If the main problem in your life is your relationship (love, friends, or family members with whom you have ongoing struggles), you may think the term “addiction” has no place in your life … but you are probably wrong. Many relationship difficulties are based on what I call “addictionships.” I coined this term to describe relationships that don’t work well because they are built on erroneous beliefs about ourselves. In other words, even if the problem isn’t you – in some ways, it is. It doesn’t mean the relationship problems are your fault, but it does mean that you need to understand your role in order to make the changes that will make life better. Whether you are with a person who bullies and berates you, has substance abuse issues, or works all the time and pays no attention to you, there are reasons why you are in the situation you are in. With relationships, the best predictor of the future is the past. In ways you may not be aware of, your past influences your future. Understanding this better (the ways it is destructive along with the ways it is constructive) will improve your life, now and in the future.

Why Childhood Experiences Matter 

Self-awareness begins early in childhood and develops over time. Often a child has an experience that he or she doesn’t quite understand (for example, if Mom disappears for a period of a few weeks). Lacking the tools to evaluate what is happening and why, a child may make assumptions that are wrong (Mom got mad at me and left).

This type of assumption gets built into a framework of beliefs we hold as the “truth” and that we use to make everyday decisions. These beliefs or truths are like computer software that analyzes information and makes decisions based on programmed rules. But as we all know, computer software can be embedded with errors that cause huge problems. Similarly, the human mind is full of learned errors about how people act toward us and why … and uncovering and correcting them is a necessary step in living a more mindful and truthful life leading to greater happiness.

Understanding how your old beliefs and conditioned fears shape your behavior is the first step toward figuring out why you repeat certain patterns – perhaps falling in love with men who make you feel “stupid” or “who won’t make a commitment.” Identifying the so-called “truths” that you’ve been using to guide your life (“I’m not very smart” or “people disappear unexpectedly”) allows you to choose between the ones that serve you well and the ones that don’t. You can pull yourself out of “addictionships” that are based on unhealthy beliefs and start having real “relationships” that make life better and richer.