Question:

Stasko writes: I have been in 4 relationships each with women who are attractive and intelligent but needing some type of emotional help. As a psychologist, I find myself trying to help them in some way through my nurturing personality. Despite the initial positiveness in the relationships(each have been live-in 5+ yr. relationships) I find the relationships have failed for a variety of reasons ranging from having them become different people with increased self-esteem and then leaving me or becoming withdrawn and wanting to lead separate lives. Am I choosing this type of person subconsciously or am I just a type of person who feels the need to help others? Please let me know your thoughts.

Answer:

Dear Stasko,

One thing I can say with confidence is that I believe in unconscious mental processes; we’ve had millions of experiences in our lives that have given rise to who we are emotionally and mentally; our early childhood experiences were most relevant in determining aspects of our self such as our self image and self esteem among many other self defining characteristics; anything that was painful was put into the unconscious and according to Freud’s theory (which I agree with) set up an internal conflict(s); something that would now remain in our psyche and give rise to behavior that would somehow re-create the conflict (Freud referred to this as the repetition compulsion) in hope of a different outcome; the first step is to recognize the pattern or theme in our relationships and then the work begins; one must through a deep sense of commitment look to understand the events and beliefs that give rise to the choices that are made in our lives; I believe that it is only through this “Inner awakening” can we free ourselves of old repetitive patterns that keep us stuck.